We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
