I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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