I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
