Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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