in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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