One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
