My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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