wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
