then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
