Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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