Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
