We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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