someone owes me an orgasm
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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