Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
