If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Randomize
