are you still at the devil's house?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
