Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm passing your future prison.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
