I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
