im calling her cock vulture from now on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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