i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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