saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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