I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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