I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
