I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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