Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
