Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Randomize
