I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
