i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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