made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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