lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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