So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
