My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
is that a dick in a sweater?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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