dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
