fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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