he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
