Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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