You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
