So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
