mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
