is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
