Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
