i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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