I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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