So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
