Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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