there's paper in my vomit.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
