I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
