I wish my penis had an off switch
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They are going to name an STD after you.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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