At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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