wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
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Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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