I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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