I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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