My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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