I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
