I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just google imaged poop.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
