Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
