Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
