i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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