you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
