bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
