4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
