when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im holly from the hills drunk
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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